Keep Her There

So this is what it's like to lose a parent, a mother.  Out of the blue sad tears flow incessantly because in your heart you long for  her presence, to hear her voice.  You see her in the crowd.  You feel her in your solitude.  You call out to her in your dreams.  You want to feel her in the air.  You want to see her amongst the stars. 

 No matter what had transpired between the two of you, you feel twice detached from the umbilical cord, orphaned.  One will  never know the longing that can be this deep, unfathomable, unexplainable, unless one experiences it.  One can drown in it unless one is strong enough to swim out of it.  No wonder people die of melancholy, or simply lose their marbles.  

Why you feel so helpless at her own helplessness, why you feel angered by the situation that put her there,  why you feel angry at her for letting this happen, why you feel upset because you know she didn't want to be in that shoe, why you are angry at yourself because you cannot give back life to her who gave you one, why you question Him for calling her too soon...

You wonder how time flies so fast, taking you farther away from the day she went away. Farther away from the memories...you close your eyes too tight because that's the only way to hold on to the images of her, of the time she was still there. Of the times when she was your villain.  Of the times when she was your mother.  

They say you never cease to grieve, you only learn to live with it.  You close your eyes, you touch your heart, there is that void where she had been...there is that void that tells you to always keep her there.

Tribute to a mother: Maria Carmen (July 3, 1944-June 7, 2014)